Why, when I know what I am getting into, am I still doing it?

Wednesday was our first study abroad prep class. We have 5 more, and they are for two hours every Wednesday night. As I was sitting in the class, looking at the 30 pages of rules and signing contracts to protect BYU from lawsuits, I started feeling a little claustrophobic. Who am I kidding...a little? Why am I willingly giving up my freedom (and possibly my sanity) to move to an Arab country, speak Arabic, and live with an Arab family? Especially when Arabs are so touchy and like to be close to you when they talk to you. And I don't like to be close to anyone--my personal space is quite large. And, I am not allowed to go anywhere alone while living in the Middle East (and more specifically, Jordan).

I know all of this because of the experience I had last time I lived in Jerusalem. Don't get me wrong, I had an incredible experience. But there were several times I thought, "If I had known it would be like this I never would have signed up for this! This was not in my contract!!!" This included power-hungry professors, a severe lack of freedom to choose where I went and what I did, and incredibly long bus rides without being able to listen to ipods, in addition to more serious frustrations and disappointments.

As I was sitting in the class, I thought to myself, I don't think I can do this again! And this time I actually know what I am getting into! And then I realized how silly I was being, because as long as I know what I am getting into, I am fine! I agreed to this! Anyway, this is not making much sense, but I realized that since I am going into this experience with eyes wide open as to what might, can, and probably will happen, I think when hard things come along, they will be much easier to handle because I agreed to them beforehand. So basically, I am doing this because I know what I am getting into.

Then I thought about a talk given by Richard C. Edgely, in which he said:

"In our preexistent state our Father in Heaven presented His plan for mortality, which Alma described as the “plan of happiness” (Alma 42:8). I believe we all understood that by coming to earth, we would be exposed to all of the experiences of earth life, including the not-so-pleasant trials of pain, suffering, hopelessness, sin, and death. There would be opposition and adversity. And if that was all we knew about the plan, I doubt if any of us would have embraced it, rejoicing, “That’s what I have always wanted—pain, suffering, hopelessness, sin, and death.” But it all came into focus, and it became acceptable, even desirable, when an Elder Brother stepped forward and offered that He would go down and make it all right. Out of pain and suffering He would bring peace. Out of hopelessness He would bring hope. Out of transgression He would bring repentance and forgiveness. Out of death He would bring the resurrection of lives. And with that explanation and most generous offer, each and every one of us concluded, “I can do that. That is a risk worth taking.” And so we chose...

"There are few of us, if any, who don’t walk the refiner’s fire of adversity and despair, sometimes known to others but for many quietly hidden and privately endured. Most of the heartache, pain, and suffering we would not choose today. But we did choose. We chose when we could see the complete plan. We chose when we had a clear vision of the Savior’s rescue of us. And if our faith and understanding were as clear today as it was when we first made that choice, I believe we would choose again."
(Richard C. Edgley, “For Thy Good,” Ensign, May 2002, 65)

What a thrilling and empowering doctrine! We knew what would befall us here! We knew that there would be pain, sickness, Arabic, long days, disobedient children, and the list goes on and one...but yet we chose to come here and experience life--because we knew what the Savior could and would do for us!

In drawing parallels, I realized that I am chosing to go on this study abroad because I want certain outcomes: I want to become fluent in Arabic, I want to understand and live Arabic culture, and the list goes on. In order to accomplish these objectives, some certain things must be endured. For example, my personal space is going to be violated--all the time--and that is Arabic culture!

In life, and since premortality, we have had certain objectives: we wanted to become like our Heavenly Father and live with Him forever. The hardships and trials in this life also lead us to this objective--and we chose to suffer them because of what the Savior would suffer for us! This is, in my opinion, empowering and hopeful in the midst of dark days of despair and suffering.